Sometimes I can say some offbeat things, but I don't hold a candle to my sister. Tonight, the married mother of 2 called me and blurted that if she were to be a lesbian, then she'd want Valerie Bertinelli to be her girlfriend (prompted by an argument with my brother-in-law). Now...I know...you're thinking "but Valerie's not a lesbian, she's simply a Jenny Craig spokesperson." (And if you ask me...she doesn't look like she's lost the 25 lbs she's proclaims to have...but I digress.) My sister knows she's not, but still would want her as her girlfriend. Why? "She's always seemed so nice, she'd always be heavier than I am, and we have the same taste in music. I've always liked Van Halen. I can teach her to play tennis with me, and her son, Wolfie and [name withheld...my 13 year old nephew] can be friends."

So, am I that strange? I think not. Ask me about my sister-in-law who got in trouble last Christmas for rearranging her neighbor's reindeer to look like they were having man-on-man intercourse.